All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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