Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
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