naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
Randomize
