I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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