I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize