I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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