Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
