I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
Randomize
