So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
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Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
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I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
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