I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.
Who said I want to share with you?
You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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