I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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