There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Randomize
