you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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