speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
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