The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
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Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
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I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
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