if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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