grandma shit on top of the toilet
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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