we're at Rob's house and just invented the best drinking game ever....we are on Chatroulette and everytime we see a dick we all have to drink.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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