good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Randomize
