I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
Randomize
