girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Randomize
