The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Ive already seen two fights and a clown urinating in the middle of the street. Hello Halloween 2014.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
