when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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