Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
I dint menn to makr ut w brtendr
Wat???
U lft me at bar, no cassh for cab, may have slept with bartender
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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