I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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