I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
