so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Dude sorry i couldnt seem to spell any words right in the texts i sent you last night
I felt like a fucking code breaker.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Also I like this area. Lots of places for me to get tacos.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Randomize
