I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
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then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
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I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.