You hook up with other guys, let him talk to other girls.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.