I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ