I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
His hands were made for my vagina.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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