He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Randomize
