He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
