This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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