i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
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