But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance
Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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