Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
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