You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
