All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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