Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
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