I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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