She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Randomize
