I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Randomize
