When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
