I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I'm passing your future prison.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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