My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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