I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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