and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
