I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
