dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
only you would photoshop your dick
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
Randomize
