My cat gives me a boner
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Idk if I want to put a bra on
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