Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
