Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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