this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
Randomize
