if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I'm going back to his house to watch wreck it Ralp.
Hey, Monsters Inc. got me laid. Disney man, who knew it leads to sex.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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