yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
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