My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
